Obama’s closing argument was simply, “Vote for revenge.” He might as well have been a terrorist leader telling his hordes of blindly devoted followers to strap on a vest of explosives and die for the cause.
Women, vote to eradicate your menstrual cycle. You can always move to San Francisco and get a free sex change operation. Or if you prefer you can remain a biological female and abort more babies. Yes! That’s the spirit. Sex on demand is a civil right.
Young adults, thank you for ignoring the massive debt your generation will be paying off until the day you die. How fantastic you want even more debt. Yes! A hundred virgins in heaven for each of you.
How dare the conservatives threaten to take away your free cell phones. Text revenge to your congressman for free cable TV service at your home, apartment or shopping cart under the bridge. Yes! It is a civil right, too.
We will have our own Arab Spring after I am inaugurated in January. We will drive so many small businesses out of business that they will have sales nationwide. You can get discount electronics, clothes, cars, jewelry and massages. Santa Claus!
Bleeding heart media, thank you all for glossing over all the facts. Bless you for fixing all the debates. You will go to heaven for hating big business as much as I do, for being so ignorant about foreign affairs, so manic about gay marriage, so orgasmic about the war on women’s reproductive rights.
Most of all, my heart goes out to the pollsters who universally fudged away the 5% factor for illegal immigrants registering to vote in the fall elections. God will bathe your genitals in semen for every American citizen who is tried and convicted by a jury of illegal immigrants.
Vote from your loins.
Vote for revenge.
